daily blog

Well sorry I haven't posted in a few days. It has been super busy with average daily life. The family went on a vacation to see my mom and dad in California. It was so nice and fun. It got up to 81 degree's. We had a blast! Well thats all I'm going to post real quick I will blog more later! Just know I'm  have not disappeared lol

Infertility

So After losing my son and going through depression I realized it was going to be hard to get pregnant again. It took us 4 yrs of ttc (trying to conceive) to get pregnant again. During this time we lived in Washington. Brian's mom passed away of pancreatic cancer and his family fell apart so we moved to Nevada.  We loved it down here both of us had jobs within 3 months of each other. We moved in with my parents until we could save up enough money to get an apartment as we had left everything we had back in Washington (starting over as some say). We ended up getting jobs, getting married, and starting our lives. Little did we know that the honeymoon would show prosperous for us. Almost 2 months later I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited. I took a previous test 2 wks earlier cause I was feeling weird, It came out with a very faint line I had thought oh no i can't be we been ttc forever and nothing, (it was very VERY FAINT) and in my mind I thought it is just playing tricks on me. So i threw it away thought ahh if its its true i will test in another wk. Well i forgot and 2 wks later I was still feeling weird i had one test under the cabinet in the bathroom and figured oh why not. Well I took it and BIG 2 LINES right there I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NO WAY!! I screamed at my mom MOM COME HERE NOW!!! LOL this was like at 11:45pm at night. I surprised Brian the next day (he worked graveyard shift) in the morning after he got off of work. He usually comes home then to relax he gets on the computer for a bit to check fb/email's what have ya, so I put the word program up and said SURPRISE YOUR GOING TO BE A DADDY in huge font. So we waited (mom/dad/& I) and saw him walk in the house i gave him a kiss and said good morning then i watched him walk into the computer room and then he walked right back out and and he said r u serious and i started smiling and said yup I'm pregnant. Hubby started to tear up in that very moment. We were so happy. (now Brian isn't the kind of guy to cry so I new he was so happy because of this). We had a very eventful pregnancy. My first ultrasound showed we were having twins. We were a little shocked to say the least. But upon more examination only 1 baby had a heart beat and was around 8wks and the other baby was no heart beat around 6 wks. This made us sad but happy that we at least had 1 baby. I asked the Dr all kinds of questions about what will happen ect.. due to the other baby being passed. He said we will have to wait and see. I ended up miscarrying that baby around 11wks and thank god our little boy still stuck on as we thought we were losing the whole pregnancy. I bleed from 11wk-14wks. I ended up having a cerclage at 15 1/2 wks and was on bedrest for 23wks. We ended up having our little boy March 16th, at 8:14pm via emergency c-section. He was absoulty the most beautiful things we had ever seen. He looked so much like our first son but Casey looked like brians twin, Alexander had more of my facial (softness) features. I was on the pill for 8 months after having son because we didn't want to chance another pregnancy right away after a c section. (You are suppose to wait a year in between, to completely heal before another pregnancy). My son is now 4 yrs old. And hubby and I have been ttc again. Again 4 yrs and not another baby. All my friend right now are pregnant. Everyone is on there 2nd or 3rd child. When I first had Alex. Its really hard buying baby things for baby showers when you want a child so bad. So this is my story of infertility. I have PCOS on top of being heavy which is causing fertility issues. My hubby also only has 1 testicle after having testicular cancer 7 yrs ago which is a factor also. He has low amount but quality is good so?? I may just at random right about my feelings on this and wanted to post on this blog about why that might be. I am currently trying to lose weight and hoping that helps in ttc.

The day my son died!

Many can't even begin to think the pain one can endure in there life. Well I have been through one that no one should ever be through. The day my son passed away. Was the worst the day of my life and the day I died. The person I am today is a reconfigured person I had to put back together. That day is when the old me died literally, and the new me had to begin to figure out how to relive a life with a pain so great that I wanted to die. I have always wanted to have a big family; but when I was younger some where between 10-13 been so long now dont' remember exactly when. I was diagnosed with PCOS http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001408/. My Dr said the likely hood of me ever having children would be almost impossible that hopefully with technology things would be better in the future to not have my hopes up. I never had normal periods like most women. I can't just not use a condom and become pregnant. From that diagnosis I was put on birth control so i would have my period every month. My Dr said it would be a good idea to be on that for the rest of my life so I can prevent getting uterine cancer or other cancers due to never having the lining of the uterus shed from never having a period. Well push up about 10 yrs later and I met my hubby. The first time we got pregnant was a complete shock I didn't' know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying. I lost that baby around (guessing) 6wks. That was a very painful  experience to go through specially when you don't know you are pregnant until the pregnancy is over. I wasn't very connected to that pregnancy but it still hurt to know I COULD get pregnant and then I lost the baby. Brian was great he checked on me on and off the next day (even though he had to work). About 3 months later I found myself pregnant again and this time it was going good. I had no morning sickness until about 8wks I started spotting i had issues through this pregnancy off and on. My Dr finally put me on home rest (took me off of work) and I was finally doing good. Until one night I started having pain. I was 5 months by this time I went to the ER they "said" everything was ok but everything wasn't ok (later learned). I don't feel like going through all the details but later that night my water just dropped out of me while on the toilet. Brian called 911. I was rushed to the hospital where a stupid ass Dr broke my water and I delivered my baby boy 6 or so hrs later. He was the most perfect baby for 5 months. He was just under 1 lb. He was born at 3:14pm Dec 16, 2002. Words can never describe what one goes through when u go through that. It is still in my mind like it was yesterday. I remember ever single detail. The birth was quiet a traumatic birth. I remember everyone feeling sorry for me. The nurses being so nice but to stay away cause they didn't' know what to say. The look on my mom's face seeing him for the first time. The perfect little toes, fingers, and fingernails. Yup do u know a baby at 5 months gestation has finger nails. I remember the day I got out of the hospital. It was very cold, damp, foggy. Everyone had left, Brian went to get the car as I sat there on a bench waiting for him to pick me up at the hospital entrance, and a lady walking by and saying what beautiful flower I had. (Brian had gotten me a single rose/vase). I said thanks and had to put a smile on. I just wanted to be left alone. Instead of bring a beautiful baby home. All I had was a rose. There I was at home. Everyone had gone on and continued with there lives. Mine had stopped. I was a home alone, no job to go back to to drown my sorrows. Just an empty house with all my baby stuff gone. (I had asked Brian and my dad to take everything before i get back home I couldn't go back home and do it myself.) I became obsessed with finding out what happened to me. The dr's said I had an incompetent cervix (maybe)http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/incompetentcervix.html as to why i lost him. Every test they could do came back ok. I wanted to know why. I prayed all my life to have children and when I finally do/am. Its taken away. I went into a depression that was so great. I looked horriable. I didnt' care about how I looked I would spend 5 hrs in a tub and become a prune i wanted to fall asleep in the tub and never wake up again. Brian would come home on his lunch break to find me sleeping in the tub and he would wake me up. I didn't learn till later he would come home to make sure i was still alive. How horriable it must have been on him. I was so lost in this fog. I hated life I wanted to go to heaven and be with my baby. It took me 2 yrs and getting on some antidepressants to finally get my life back on track. It was hard. I had to learn how to be human again. How to care about how I looked. Being social again.As I sit here writing this 9 years later. I do often think of him and what he would be like. I know now why what happened and why it happened (to an extent).  I am better today. I am back to "my old" self. But I will never forget that day or my child and as everyone forgets I will never! BTW we named him Casey Brian Allen!

How I grew up.

So I will tell u a bit about myself. I was born in Eugene Oregon. My dad had a job where every time he got promoted we had to move. I grew up in Springfield until  around 4th grade where we moved to Grandpass Oregon,  we only lived 1 yr from here and I was so glad I hated this town. It was a crappy little town. We lived in a 3 bedroom single wide manufactured home. My room was only big enough for 1 twin size bed and a dresser with my TV. I remember every time i wanted to be in my room I had to climb over my bed just to be in my room and my bed was right up next to the window. The only good thing about this town was a lady that lived in the same trailer park (yes trailer park lol). I honestly don't remember her name anymore but I sure remember her face. I remember her inviting us over for dinner one night for homemade chilli. Now I don't like chilli. But this chilli was the BEST chill I have ever eaten and until this day I have never tasted chilli that tasted the same since then. I hated that school. Everyone were snobs and I was going through an ugly face from child to teen. I bloomed way to early. I matured at age 9. That is a bit traumatic for a child back in those days. I was the only one to have "grown" up physically. Plus being heavier didn't help matters. From here we moved to Ontario Oregon. I still love that town. It was a great town to be in.  We joined the local Lutheran church and started to become part of the community in this town. Mom worked at the local laundry mat. I remember walking to her work after school and helping her fold laundry for other people. She taught me how to fold everything just how it should be. I had some great friends also. Half white half mexican. This town was a farming town so we had a lot of migrant workers that would come in and pick potatoes/mint/corn/alfalfa. The smell of potatoes still make me feel at home. We lived in this town until my 8th grade which from there we moved on Ellensburg Washington. Even though I spent a good portion of my middle/high school years in ellensburg I still remember Ontario as my youth though. I had my first true crush in Ontario with a guy named Manuel. Yup mexican guy. lol.. I know I know for people that know me would think OMG lol.. But back then it was a different time. America even use to be more simple back then. I think we have gotten out of control the last 10 yrs here but thats for another story on another blog. lol.. 

During my growing up I really had a good child hood I think. For me life wasn't that bad. Little did people know my father had anger issues with my brother and that was a huge part of my life. We had CPS called on us once for my dad attacking my brother and leaving marks on his kneck. Mom didn't know she was off to work and jeremy left for school, just to be held there while police came. I honestly don't remember a lot of that paticular incident. On the outside we were this perfect mom and dad 2 kids boy/girl family who went to church had good moments ect.. What people didn't know was that my dad hit and put down my brother almost every day. My dad was raised u treat girls like princesses and boys need to be brought up as MEN! Which unforchantly meant my brother got the brute end of the deal. Its crazy to think that 2 kids could grow up in the same home and actually life 2 completely different lives. I was the girl that was loved by both parents and felt love by both. My brother on the other hand had an abusive father who beat on him from day 1 and a mother who loved him but always felt like she had to protect him.  I remember things were so bad sometimes that my mom and I had to stop my dad from hitting my brother. I felt sometimes my dad would kill my brother given the chance. How sad is that for children to grow up in an environment like that. People truly don't see the inside of a home when what is being protrayed is something completely different.  As we got older my brother more and more wouldn't put up with dads bulling but my father felt he will always be the child so the abuse would worse and worse. I don't think things got better until about middle school. Dad has always worked a lot and as long as dad wasn't home there wasn't any fights and that was a good thing.

We did have great memories here and there though of camping and fishing along the snake river. I don't think I ever felt like anyone never loved each other. I think mom's love for everyone kept the family together the most.  I had the most freedom in Ontario. Which is quiet funny as ellensburg was smaller and yet mom would let me walk from one part of the town to the other on Ontario but not ellensburg. Perhaps it was because ellensburg was a college town and crazy things can happen there.

Well thats enough picking from my brain today. Might right more later tonight...........

Sorry

Sorry I didn't post sooner, I have been super busy. But back to boring life again lol. Took hubby to the Dr on Tuesday. I feel so bad for him he is only 35 yrs old and has eyes of a 75 yr old man. He has cataracts and if he doesn't have surgery he is going to go blind eventually. We got him glasses for now and hoping to put off the surgery until next year, I'm hoping to change our insurance plan to a lower deductible and be able to afford it. Right after his eye appointment we had to take our son for his. He had to get 4 shots today poor guy. He totally new what the nurse was doing with the little bucket this time. I had to hold him down and hubby had to hold his legs so the lady go give them to him. He cried so badly I wanted to just cry for him also. He did well though he got his chicken pox and his MMR shots. He did have a fever this morning but did well so far. He hasn't broken out like the first time getting those shots (knock on wood).

Just thinking of the old days tonight. I'm 31 now and were did the time go. Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday when I was 21 having fun at the clubs, having a different guy every weekend on my arm. LOL.. Now I'm 31 married, with 1 child. Its crazy how time in the moment goes so slow but when u look back and think OMG u blink and 10 yrs passes you. I hope one day I don't wake up at 60 yrs old thinking the same thing (although i know that sure to happen). I really do miss my friends back up north. I miss my old life sometimes so bad but you know that life goes on and you have to progress to the "adult" we should all be. I can honestly say I am not exactly where I want to be in life. Yes I wanted to be married, Yes i wanted to have a child, didn't' realize i would be living here in this town one day and sure didn't expect to be financially less stable than I wanted to be. Yes I married for love not money but love doesn't pay the bills (wouldn't that be nice lol).

I'm still worried about the japan radiation. How crazy is that. I feel so bad for them yet I think us humans create all kind of horribleness these days. Its quiet sad. (that is enough on that, thats for another days topic).

Well not much else to talk about. I don't feel like going into to all of me just yet. you will have to stay tuned lol 

my first blog

So since everyone is blogging these days I figured why not. It might be therapeutic to say the least and get things off my chest which may or may not be said. During the reading of these blogs (if u are reading this lol) I might switch to different subjects spontaneously, thats just how my mind works and I'm sorry if its confusing. So this is my first blog. Today has been a trying day. My 4 yr old son has decided to be a crazy monster today but at last its bedtime and I'm here. Lots have been going on since 2011 started. I can't quiet believe it is SPRING now. Every year I get older are the years going to go faster? I hope I don't find myself one day at the age of 60 thinking. OMG I'm old.. lol.. Hubby and I are still longing to have another child. I have pretty much given up. Everyone around me are having 2nd 3rd, ect.. babies and I sit here with only one. Which I am completely grateful for, don't get me wrong. I am truly blessed as he is our miracle child. I just always wanted to have a big family and I feel in some ways that I have doomed my child with being an only child and having the only child syndrome. I miss feeling pregnant also. I wish I could go back to his pregnancy and do it all over again. I would enjoy it much more and do all the things i wish I could have done a bit more like getting a 4D ultrasound. That would have been cool. I also miss going to church. Since my parents have moved away I haven't been going very much anymore. We truly need a second car. Well thats enough for this first blog. More to come in the future perhaps?