The day my son died!

Many can't even begin to think the pain one can endure in there life. Well I have been through one that no one should ever be through. The day my son passed away. Was the worst the day of my life and the day I died. The person I am today is a reconfigured person I had to put back together. That day is when the old me died literally, and the new me had to begin to figure out how to relive a life with a pain so great that I wanted to die. I have always wanted to have a big family; but when I was younger some where between 10-13 been so long now dont' remember exactly when. I was diagnosed with PCOS http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001408/. My Dr said the likely hood of me ever having children would be almost impossible that hopefully with technology things would be better in the future to not have my hopes up. I never had normal periods like most women. I can't just not use a condom and become pregnant. From that diagnosis I was put on birth control so i would have my period every month. My Dr said it would be a good idea to be on that for the rest of my life so I can prevent getting uterine cancer or other cancers due to never having the lining of the uterus shed from never having a period. Well push up about 10 yrs later and I met my hubby. The first time we got pregnant was a complete shock I didn't' know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying. I lost that baby around (guessing) 6wks. That was a very painful  experience to go through specially when you don't know you are pregnant until the pregnancy is over. I wasn't very connected to that pregnancy but it still hurt to know I COULD get pregnant and then I lost the baby. Brian was great he checked on me on and off the next day (even though he had to work). About 3 months later I found myself pregnant again and this time it was going good. I had no morning sickness until about 8wks I started spotting i had issues through this pregnancy off and on. My Dr finally put me on home rest (took me off of work) and I was finally doing good. Until one night I started having pain. I was 5 months by this time I went to the ER they "said" everything was ok but everything wasn't ok (later learned). I don't feel like going through all the details but later that night my water just dropped out of me while on the toilet. Brian called 911. I was rushed to the hospital where a stupid ass Dr broke my water and I delivered my baby boy 6 or so hrs later. He was the most perfect baby for 5 months. He was just under 1 lb. He was born at 3:14pm Dec 16, 2002. Words can never describe what one goes through when u go through that. It is still in my mind like it was yesterday. I remember ever single detail. The birth was quiet a traumatic birth. I remember everyone feeling sorry for me. The nurses being so nice but to stay away cause they didn't' know what to say. The look on my mom's face seeing him for the first time. The perfect little toes, fingers, and fingernails. Yup do u know a baby at 5 months gestation has finger nails. I remember the day I got out of the hospital. It was very cold, damp, foggy. Everyone had left, Brian went to get the car as I sat there on a bench waiting for him to pick me up at the hospital entrance, and a lady walking by and saying what beautiful flower I had. (Brian had gotten me a single rose/vase). I said thanks and had to put a smile on. I just wanted to be left alone. Instead of bring a beautiful baby home. All I had was a rose. There I was at home. Everyone had gone on and continued with there lives. Mine had stopped. I was a home alone, no job to go back to to drown my sorrows. Just an empty house with all my baby stuff gone. (I had asked Brian and my dad to take everything before i get back home I couldn't go back home and do it myself.) I became obsessed with finding out what happened to me. The dr's said I had an incompetent cervix (maybe)http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/incompetentcervix.html as to why i lost him. Every test they could do came back ok. I wanted to know why. I prayed all my life to have children and when I finally do/am. Its taken away. I went into a depression that was so great. I looked horriable. I didnt' care about how I looked I would spend 5 hrs in a tub and become a prune i wanted to fall asleep in the tub and never wake up again. Brian would come home on his lunch break to find me sleeping in the tub and he would wake me up. I didn't learn till later he would come home to make sure i was still alive. How horriable it must have been on him. I was so lost in this fog. I hated life I wanted to go to heaven and be with my baby. It took me 2 yrs and getting on some antidepressants to finally get my life back on track. It was hard. I had to learn how to be human again. How to care about how I looked. Being social again.As I sit here writing this 9 years later. I do often think of him and what he would be like. I know now why what happened and why it happened (to an extent).  I am better today. I am back to "my old" self. But I will never forget that day or my child and as everyone forgets I will never! BTW we named him Casey Brian Allen!